How relationships survive menopause

EXPERTS SAY the number one reason for divorce is the lack of communication. However, when everything you know to be normal is being snatched by changing hormones, communication may be last on the list. Navigating a course in uncharted territory can test any relationship, emotionally and sexually.

Menopause is a life transition that can affect you physically and emotionally. Your body is experiencing fluctuating hormones that can cause hot flashes, night sweats, itchy skin, migraine headaches, breast tenderness, vaginal dryness and irregular periods. Eighty per cent of women will experience uncomfortable symptoms, and the majority struggle with midlife weight gain.

Many women feel unattractive going through so many uninvited changes. Some suffer from exhaustion, depression and moodiness, leaving them feeling isolated and confused.

Menopause means the end of the hormones that have boosted communication circuits, emotion circuits, the drive to tend and care, and the urge to avoid conflict at all costs. There are additional factors on top of fluctuating hormones that may contribute to a lack of communication and interest in sex.

Sonia Wynter, associate clinical psychologist and founder of the Tea House Therapy, said people should make the extra effort to communicate, support each other’s needs, get counselling if needed, add romance, adjust lovemaking activities to increase the odds that your marriage will survive menopause. Being on the same team, she said, will nourish a healthy, loving relationship that can last a lifetime.

“Life is constantly changing, and marriage is no different. Have real expectations, and acknowledge that your relationship goes through transitions. This will help you weather difficult times,” she advised.

Wynter said she encourages people to adopt the foundational theory of The Gottman Institute that gives couples the tools they need to have a healthy, secure relationship.

In his New York Times bestselling book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Dr John Gottman introduced the concept that a foundationally secure partnership is like a house. It has weight-bearing walls and levels that each person builds upon to create a sturdy bond. He called this structure the ‘Sound Relationship House’, and for more than 20 years it has given countless couples the tools they need to have happy, healthy relationships.

The Sound Relationship House begins on the firm foundation of knowing each other. In the first level, partners build what Gottman calls a ‘Love Map’, which is the essential guide to learning more about your partner.

In an ideal relationship, according to Wynter, you and your partner should know each other better than anyone else. “In many ways, you become a different person when you go into the menopause, as both your body and mood change. This in turn leads to changes in how you relate to your partner. In the past, you might have found that it helped to talk through your problems with your partner. However, this can be more difficult when you are going through menopause, as you are more focused on surviving some very intense physical and emotional changes and might not make you feel like talking,” she said.

Everyone, according to Gottman, needs to hear something nice about themselves, and it means the most when it comes from your partner. “Sharing fondness and admiration sounds like vocalising the characteristics that you appreciate. Perhaps you admire their sense of humour or the way they are always willing to help someone in need. In healthy relationships, you can articulate the big and little reasons why you love your partner,” he said.

Wynter said the shifts in your mood can be quite dramatic, similar to those women experience after having a baby, so it can be hard to find the energy and patience to get your partner to understand what you are going through. “It is important to encourage them to do their own research and find out more about menopause, so the burden of educating them does not fall on you,” she said.

Once your partner is more aware of what you are going through, they will be in a better position to empathise and offer support. If you have always talked things through together, your partner may find it quite hard to adjust to this new role; listening to someone else’s problems, without offering solutions, does not come easily to everyone.

Sonia Wynter was a guest presenter at Menopause Mondays Goes Live (On Saturday) at the Terra Nova Hotel.

keisha.hill@gleanerjm.com